So a couple days ago while watching the Easter processions on tv Reinhardt and I came up with Foxīs new smash hit reality show. Itīs called Who Wants To Be The Next Pope, and hereīs the schematic: 12 power hungry Cardinals from Europe in an all out political battle to see who gets to be the next Pope. To keep it more exciting (and violent) there wonīt be any voting to kick the Cardinals off the show. Therefore the only way to gain an advantage is through sheer political genius and, of course, murder. Watch Catholicismīs holiest of holy men manipulate each other with everything shy of Godīs will in the climax to their lifelong quest of becoming The Worldīs Greatest Catholic. Witness shocking confessions from the literally hundreds of boys and men whoīve been fondled and sodomized by the Cardinals during their lives and watch the tables turn as these 12 dirty old men in capes argue with each other as each one claims to have the voice of God speaking through his mouth. Difficult "Catholic Challenges" will be employed to see whoīs really fit to be the Pope, and some of these challenges may or may not consist of Hi-Impact Gay Bashing, Fast Paced Abortion Denial, Nun Impregnation, Back Alley Knife Fighting and Snuff Video Production. Special highlights will include weekly interviews with the ventriliquist whoīs got his arm jammed up Pope John Paulīs ass to make him talk and look around and trick everyone into thinking that heīs not really a helpless vegetable and guest commentary and opinions from such powerful religious figures as Louis Farakhan, The Reverend Matt Hale from the World Church of the Creator, Osama bin Laden, Bob Hope and that crazy ass guy from Utah who totally kidnapped and brainwashed that one girl into thinking she was an octopus or something. The season finale will include Jesusīs decent from Heaven down to our world to choose the winner and bless him and squeeze his ass as he assumes the role of The Worldīs Greatest Catholic. Sponsorships are still available, though the chief sponsorship contract has already been signed with MicroSoft as they look to mediate the impending war between Heaven and Hell.
This is what I do here in Santiago: come up with this stuff and watch football games. I love this city so much. I went to a dirty ass street market last Sunday and looked through old vinyl for the first time in a while, there were a ton of vendors I didnīt get to so Iīll be sure to head back because Iīm absolutely convinced that an original vinyl pressing of Rain Dogs by Tom Waits is lying in a stack of records waiting for me to find it. In an hour and a half Real Madrid and Manchester United kick off in their second game in the Champions League series. Yesterday Reinhardt and I were howling like a couple of goddamn monkeys when Juventus beat Barcelona 2-1 to advance to the semifinals, plus Inter beat Valencia to move to the semis as Italy showed Spain that itīs got the best soccer league in the world. Madridīs still gonna win the championship, but go figure when your teamīs been backed by so much fascist money during the past half century. This is great, absolutely nobody is going to understand what the hell Iīm saying but thatīs okay.
The leftist newspapers here are really funny. A few weeks ago the cover of one had photoshopped Bushīs face onto the body of a pornstar and replaced the girl he was screwing with a picture of the Earth. You can imagine the effect: Bush making his monkey face as he gives it to the North Atlantic, getting ready to move southeast. Iīm not getting any more detailed than that. Another paper has a headline that says "Liberate the US!" and has the picture of the giant falling Saddam statue in the middle of Baghdad except instead of Saddam falling itīs the Statue of Liberty. Itīs even funnier when you think about how upset the French would be if that happened.
Poor Argentinaīs presidential election happens on the 27th. Jorge Menem, this evil motherfucking fascist who was president in the late 80īs is gonna win and be president again, would someone please explain to me why this retard is going to win? The last time he was president he made the genius decision of announcing that Argentina was going to reclaim the Falklands when the war with Britain over the Falklands is what caused the fall of his beloved military dictatorship in the first place. The campaign currently going on in Argentina has 3 candidates with any hope of winning and the population is pretty disillusioned with their choices as each man makes ridiculous campaign promises on projects that are either way too expensive for Argentina to implement or are already in the process of being completed. Thatīs like me promising the American people that Iīll build the Bay Bridge and dam up Lake Mead to generate power. Poor, poor Argentina. Iīll tell you all what Iīve read about poor, poor Colombia next time, itīs too much of a bummer to add here after all thatīs been said about Argentina.
Oh yea, my favorite piece of recent world news is something I saw on the BBC a week or so ago. The ex president of Indonesia just got out of prison after serving 3 years because the case against him got overturned. It was alleged that he sodomized his wifeīs driver, and by that I donīt mean golf club. I remember thinking that thereīs no fucking way theyīd show that piece on CNN, and then I thought about how he might make a good guest speaker on Who Wants To Be The Next Pope.