« i'm a lying bastard | Main | video »
February 28, 2004
6 am post
did some drinking last night, with john down by the river, then with some friends from my restaurant job. made me feel a little bit better, or maybe it just helped me forget for a little while. most everyone i come in contact with has to listen to me spill my guts about how bad i feel about what happened. i'll stop doing that eventually, but right now i have such guilt, regret, embarrassment and lack of knowledge of how to deal with what happened that it's impossible not to think about, and hard not to talk about.
i read her site and i'm the exboyfriend who cheated, the one who lied and broke trust and who she'll never speak to again, and who she'll heal from and forget. part of me can't believe it, that i did such things and sabotaged something that meant so much to me. and i ask myself why i did those things, and the truth is they happened a long time ago, and i don't know why i did them then, and i have even less of an idea now. someone said maybe it was hormones, but that seems ridiculously ill-suited as an explanation. the truth is i have no explanation, no idea why. i never did it out of malice, and the absurdity is that the outcome of those fuckups wasn' that i loved her less, they made me love her more, made me realize what an amazing person she was, what i had, what i could lose, and in the end what i didn't even deserve. and i keep telling myself and any poor sucker i trap into listening that i would give everything i have to have not done what i did, give anything to be able to talk with her every once in a while. and that's the one thing that won't happen, and it keeps striking me during the day, and during the night since i'm up at 6 am writing about this stuff i can't stop thinking about, that she won't speak to me again. i guess it's what i deserve, but it hurts so bad i can't even say.
drew says i have to accept what happened, accept that i'm a bastard, accept what i lost. i know i do, and that i will, eventually. for some reason i keep thinking about some art on the wall at daveo's house that says, "the place you left will never be anything but empty," or something like that. it resonates.
drew, aaron, steve, and several others think i need to move away from this town. i have a job interview on monday, for a job that pays pretty well and more importantly would mean i was doing something good for the community, and me doing something good feels overdue. if i don't get it i think i'll be moving away, even though i'm most likely still going up to alaska in the summer again, a few months away. someone said that me leaving is like running away, and maybe it is, but i feel so bad and guilty that i don't want her to have to run into me in this small small city, and it's bound to happen. aaron says moving when you're sad is a good idea, cause you're miserable anyways, and at least you get to see new stuff. it sounds valid.
i'll make a point to try and write about some different things, it feels weird to bare myself in a public forum, and it's probably annoying. i always wrote this site for her more then anyone though. next time i write i'll try and compose some thoughts about israel and palestine.
guilty, undeserving and sad.
Posted by bendan at February 28, 2004 07:23 AM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://drewish.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/960
Comments
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
I cried from laughter
Sorry, if not left a message on Rules.
Posted by: Melissik at May 6, 2008 06:20 AM